Sunday, March 30, 2008

What a weekend!

I just got back from church and it was awesome!!!! Our church held a three day conference and it ended yesterday, it was just one great pastor after another preaching, I was slain in the spirit yesterday, pretty cool!!

Well, tonight it was supposed to be a normal regular service, but no, it turned into a pentecostal revival, I think. My pastor's mom and aunt were visiting from out of town to be at the conference and, of course, to be with S. Anyhoo, S invited her aunt to get up and sing one song before the sermon began, well, the first one had everyone on their feet and S asked her aunt to sing one more, and then it just took off. I was told that the music was pentecostal and I have never danced and laughed and sang so hard in my life!! It was fantastic. I have never heard such lively music, it just makes you want to get up and dance, jump, clap everything! I didn't want it to end.

S asked us if we wanted to do it again tomorrow night and it was a resounding "YES!" I cannot wait! I am taking the boys with me, let's see how they react to this music, hopefully they will dance crazy with their mommy.

Saturday, March 29, 2008



How many of you were born during the 1960's through the 1980's? If you fall in this range, you are a GEN XER! Yep, that's what are generation is called, and I like it! It has a cool ring to it don't you think?

This book is about our generation. Most of us by now are married and settled. Yet, some of us find that our marriage is lacking in all or most areas. The honeymoon is definitely over and reality has reared its ugly head.

A Gen Xer herself, Tricia Goyer offers realistic help to achieve the God-honoring marriage you long for. She includes…

•Ways to protect your marriage despite the broken relationships modeled in your youth
•Stories, suggestions, and confessions from fellow Gen Xers facing the “What now?” question of real-life marriage
•Advice from the ultimate marriage survival guide: the Bible
•Stats, quizzes, sidebars, and study questions related to this “relationally challenged” time in history
•Practical helps for negotiating kids, work, sex, money, and dirty laundry–sometimes all in the same evening.

If you are part of a generation of adults who don’t want to bow to their culture or live and love like their parents did . . . this book is for you.

AND GUESS WHAT? Yours Truly, has been quoted on page 125 in this book!! NO kidding! *happy dance*

Location: Montana, United States
Tricia Goyer was named Mount Hermon Christian Writers Conference "Writer of the Year" in 2003. Tricia was a finalist for the Gold Medallion Book Award and she also won ACFW's "Book of the Year" for Long Historial Romance in 2005 AND in 2006. She has written hundreds of articles, Bible Study notes, and both fiction and non-fiction books. She's married to John, and they have three great kids whom she homeschools: Cory (17), Leslie (14), and Nathan (12). They make their home in Northwest Montana with their dogs, Lilly and Jake.

Share your story and WIN a dinner for TWO to the restaurant of your choice! ($50 maximum) CONTEST

This book is reasonably priced at Amazon, brand new it is only for $10.19!


Thursday, March 27, 2008


It feels great to be back home! My husband is really working hard putting in our new hardwood floors!! Yippeee! No more nasty carpet!As for the bathroom, we are looking for a contractor to remodel it.

I am better, thank the Lord! I went off my meds, without the doctor's permission, on Easter Sunday, they were making me loopy and I hate that feeling.

Since my hubby has been off the computer and working on the house, I am seeing an entirely new person, he is tired, but there is a change. We are getting along fabulously, in fact, we are joking a lot with each other! I pray this new man will stay! He is so sweet to be around.

I will be hosting a new book by Tricia Goyer on Saturday, and there is a contest! If you share your story on how you met your significant spouse, you can win a dinner for two at your favorite restaurant up to $50, nice huh?

So, please come and sign up and check out Tricia's Gen X book.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Good grief!

Well, here I am living in a hotel. Last Tuesday, at 4 am, our toilet flooded our whole house, except for two rooms in the back.

Luner woke up screaming and so I ran to find out what he was screaming about and ran into at least 3 inches of water!! Luner must have gotten up to use the bathroom and discovered all of the water and it freaked him out and then freaked me out!

So, I called our insurance company and they sent someone out that day, we have a lot of water damage! All the carpet and tile has to come out and be replaced, we stayed in our house the first two nights but it became unbareable with all of the fans going on and all the carpets torn apart not to mention the smell of wet nasty carpet. Apparently the last person who used the bathroom did not realize the toilet was running, so it was hours before it was discovered.

I am on the mend, health wise, but dreading all of the doctor bills. So much for us celebarating Easter tomorrow, I am disappointed for our boys. I bought some huge baskets that were discounted from last year.

I am completely trusting in God and feel that this may be a huge blessing in disguise, they are finding a lot of mold under our carpets and inside our walls so it is all being taken care of! This may help us to get healthier. No more carpets for us; and my bathroom is going to be completely remodeled because everything has to go.

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE! I will touch base soon!

Monday, March 17, 2008

I am sick!

I am sorry I haven't updated in a bit. I have been struggling with some very severe pain in my chest. I went last jTuesday and was told that it was acid reflux and placed me on Prevacid. It did not help, but it sure messed up my tummy. They ran EKG, x-rays and blood work, everything was normal. I quit the Prevacid.

On Friday, the pain got so bad I thought I was having a heart attack, I couldn't catch my breath and when I tried to breathe it was excruciating. I drove myself to the ER and was immediately seen, they ran all tests that were done at the doctor's office, except this time the x-rays showed that I have a condition called pleurisy and it is soooooo painful. I went home and rested, one of my wonderful friends came that night, about 9:30 pm and picked up my boys and kept them all weekend. What a huge blessing.

I went back to the doctor's office today and was given a shot for the pain and along with the Naproxen, I am now going to be taking Darvacet. Tomorrow I am set up for an ultrasound, they think that my gall bladder might be inflamed as well, I doubt it, but I can't go against the doctor's orders.

So, if you all don't see me, it is just that I am trying to get better. I am so sad, because this week is spring break and I intended to take my babies to the park every day and then drive 1-1/2 hours to the zoo on Friday, since I am off that day. That really breaks my heart!

Thursday, March 13, 2008


This is it, my last post on my testimony. It may be a bit long, but I want to get it over with. It has been a long journey for me. And I pray the best is yet to come.

It is 1991, I am 21-years-old and I just moved back to Texas from California. I got a job working at a department store, live on my own with my sister as my roomie. Things seem to be going well, other than not having money to spare and no car.

One night while working, a friend of mine, who happened to have crush on me, I didn't know that at the time, came along with a friend that gave him a ride out to meet me. They were both GI's. Anyhoo, I took one look at the guy's friend and umm...Wow! He was great looking, was wearing a Metallica T-shirt and the moment we touched hands, after the introduction, there was a genuine spark between us! No joke.

After a while hanging out with him and my friends, who all happened to be in the military or married to one who was, I found out he was married, but that did that stop the attraction between us. No, in fact, I found it exciting. Remember I wasn't a Christian at the time. So, we hooked up and wound up alienating everyone. No one was happy with us, even though, he was filing for divorce. I fell in love with him. He was handsome, a military guy, had a car and treated me very special. He took me out to expensive restaurants, bought me cards, stuffed animals etc. A real boyfriend. A real charmer.

Okay, fast-forward, he divorced we moved in together into another apartment. Mr. Wonderful began to change. I found out he had a heinous temper and could become violent. Warning bells went off in my head, but did I obey? Nope, I thought, "he loves me, he'll change."

It got so bad that he began to push and shove me around and one time kicked me out of my own apartment with all of my clothes. Did I leave him? No, of course not. I stayed because I was "soooo in love." Can anyone say "IDIOT!"

After being together for two years, he got out of the military and was forced to move back home which was in another state. After about six months, he came back and married me. I dropped out of college and left everything behind to be with him. This broke my mother's heart and my sisters. I really loved him. He was all I thought about. Although, my heart was in pieces leaving my precious family behind, I cried for a very long time and then two more years after that. I cried a lot for my mom.

We got to the state in which he lived and my hellish, living nightmare began. We moved into his parents home without them knowing about it. When we got there, they were out of town and had no idea that their son got married or even left to get me, nice huh? He never told me that his parents didn't know about the marriage. So, when they came home, they were in for a shock. Needless to say, my MIL and I did not get along.

My first week we were married the beatings began, it wasn't just pushing and shoving me it was punching now, too. The littlest thing ignited my husband's wrath. He forced me to get a job and began to control everything I did.

One night when he went to work I cried to his parents and told them what he was doing to me, my MIL wanted to help me but my FIL stepped in and said, it wasn't any of their business and if I wanted help I needed to get somewhere else. I fell apart, because I knew, I was truly alone for the first time in my entire life, my mom wasn't there to save me, no one was. I was new to this place had no friends or family to turn to. Talk about being terrified and to know the true meaning of being completely and utterly alone. OUCH! This memory still hurts. My eyes are tearing up. I used to get in my little car, which I had purchased all on my own while I was in college and just sat there and weeped, one time I drove around but got lost.

Moving on...after a few months we moved out and I was working at a Christian Bookstore which was another hellish nightmare, these people were greedy (owners) and racist. I was a Hispanic in a very white southern town. Their son even hit me once, can you believe that?

So, no peace at work and no peace at home. I lived in constant fear, depression etc. I began to eat a lot and gained a lot of weight! Argh...I was 4'11 and weighed over 130 pounds, I went from a size 4 to a 12, that's how big I got. Food does not cure depression, it only adds to it.

I remember one night whe I got one of my worst beatings, I don't even know what we were fighting about I just knew I ran away from him, he caught me and threw me down and began to kick me everywhere, I screamed so loud and the pain was unbearable. He then got on top of me and began to punch my chest. I wanted to die. Finally, when he saw blood coming out of my nose something snapped and he realized what he had just done and quickly got off of me and ran to another room, I just laid there and cried. I couldn't believe this was happening to me all over again and it felt even worse then the first guy. God help me.

His regret didn't last long, because the beatings continued, and one time even pulled a rifle on me and had it pointed at me for the longest time. I believe one of our neighbors called the police because we were outside, I was sitting in my car getting ready to take off, yep I actually made it to the car! And someone must have seen him. At this time, a new law had passed that gave the police the right to arrest the abuser without the woman saying a word. And that is what they told me. He took off and the police never did find him. He eventually came back home. Much to my dismay and life continued as normal, well for us anyway.

I wound up at the women's shelter one night and was finally safe! At least for a night, they didn't have room for me, I slept on the couch and was forced to go back home. Remember I didn't have any friends or family. So, I didn't have much of a choice. My MIL and I were mortal enemies by now and no help was going to come from them. One of my beatings was due to her interfering and my husband defended them, mostly her all of the time.

We got into counseling and it helped for a little while. I found out that my in-laws were both very abusive with their only son and this is where the abuse and anger came from, but that shouldn't excuse him. I felt so bad for him. I still loved him and hoped that he would change now that I knew the truth. My in-laws apologized and begged for forgiveness and he still won't do it.

After a year, I left my job at the Christian Bookstore because they became angry that I was in the women's shelter and not at work, I never went back. These people may have been selling bibles etc, but they did not have a clue of what a Christian or God was/is. Evil, vicious people.

Okay, so it is now 1996, working at a law firm after working at a Dermatology clinic, I was told by my doctors, that it would be impossible for me to have children and basically no hope. I did not get comfort from my husband, in fact, he blew me off. I wept and cried to my mother and we both prayed that one day I would have a baby and not listen to the doctor's report. Why would I want to bring in a baby in such an abusive environment is beyond me!! What the hell was I thinking? I wasn't. And now they are in it with me. God forgive me.

1999, working in a factory now, I became pregnant with Luner!! The joy didn't last long because my husband did not show any happines at all. I was in for a very hard and painful pregnancy, I had fibroid tumors and they grew as my child grew and I wound up in the hospital at least three times to control the pain I was in and was placed on demorral and finally bed rest. Throughout my pregnancy I was ignored by my husband and he didn't care when the baby kicked or heard the heart beat, nothing. In fact, he used to hit me while I was pregnant.

This is taking too long. Okay, fast-forward to my pregnancy with Wolfie, same deal, no difference, except one time my husband pushed me so hard that I hit the floor, tummy first, and was terrified the baby might be injured. This was in 2001. The last time my husband would ever hit me forcefully again. Occassionally, there was a slight shove or being pushed out of the way, but no more kicking, or punching, thank God! Unfortunately, the cursing and verbal abuse and breaking things continued.

In 2001, I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart. You all have heard that testimony. My life changed forever. And the abuse, physical anyway, had truly ceased. Just the above continued. I don't know if I mentioned this, but my husband found ways to isolate himself from me and Luner, yes even then he ignored his baby. Come to think of it, he always found things to do to keep away from me. His hunting, motorcycle and friends, now it is just the computer.

This is taking way too long, in 2008, there is still no physical abuse, and the yelling and cursing is at a minimal. His isolation, worse than ever. He never comes out of his room. I am raising my boys, quite literally alone, he only comes out to either yell at them for fighting or to back me up or take my place when I lose my temper with them. Soccer, park, church, we do as a threesome. Much to the point the boys don't want daddy to come along when he does join us for breakfast or some activity.

On a high note, I am happy with my life, other than my marriage, I have two beautiful boys, I have very good friends from church and I talk with my mom every single day. My husband has quit controlling my spending and telling me what to do. And I am allowed to visit my family when we can afford it.

Okay, I am sorry I wish I could have shared more, but man....that would have taken a lot more posts.

God has been my greatest blessing and miracle in my life. I wouldn't be here if wasn't for the love of Jesus Christ who died on a cross for me. Now that's LOVE!

Monday, March 10, 2008


I will probably do one more post after this on my testimony, hopefully.

Before I begin I just had to share this bit of information. Yesterday, we had our usual Sunday morning service, nothing unusual except for a great message on getting right with God. Well, at the altar call, people were going up to get prayers etc. Next thing I know I hear and see a man on the floor writhing! And I looked at him and his eyes were, word to describe his eyes, but there were vacant or wild? Anyhoo, he was yelling and I at first thought he was in pain or screaming out to God, nope! A demon manifested! This is the first time in my entire life I have ever, ever seen a demon possessed person getting cleaned, is that the correct term? It was writhing and throwing this poor man around. He even threw-up. I really began to pray in the spirit where I was standing! I was watching our prayer warriors working hard and finally it released him and all got quiet when it happened again. Finally, after a bit of time, it left and this man was in peace and very happy, praise be to our AWESOME GOD!

Okay, onto my story...

Let me back track. My 3rd boyfriend and I were still in communication when I met my first husband. And when I was in California, then we lost contact forever. *tears*

A friend of mine was dating a base player in a band, and they invited me and my sister to go to a party that he was performing in. The lead singer showed up at our house and my first impression, was "ewww...that dude is ugly" hee. So, we were all introduced and I was not impressed with this guy. At the party they began to play and he was a pretty good singer. And then he picked me out of the crowd and began to sing to me, "Every Rose has It's Thorn" by Poison. Like any typical teeny-bopper I was hooked. We began to date exclusively after that.

At this time my parents pulled me out of my high school, senior year, and placed me in a high school closer to home and I was terrified of this school. It was a rough school lots and lots of gang-bangers. If you looked a person the wrong way, you were history. It was a good thing that I only went half days, whew! I was in a program that allowed me to leave and go to work. And I had a job at a hospital scanning medical transcription tapes working 40 hours a week on 2nd shift, 3 pm to 11 pm, I loved it, not the shift just the job.

At this particular high school, my math teacher asked me out! Why am I mentioning this? Because I should have gone out with him and dumped my then, boyfriend, who was becoming very jealous and controlling. The teacher was young and was wanting to take me out on his corvette, at this time I was dressing pretty normal for an 80's girl. I guess he just liked me?? I never told my "boyfriend." I just thought it was a bit weird for a teacher to ask out a student, hmm....

By this time we were living together much to my mother's chagrin and disappointment. My family could see what I couldn't this guy was very bad news and they feared for me. After two months and leaving him three times, I wound up marrying him, but the day before I married him I called up boyfriend #3 and begged him to come and get me and that I didn't want to get married but was scared to say no to him. Already, Holy Ghost was warning me not to do this, and I didn't listen. He couldn't leave and that was it. The next day we were married and that's when things got really bad. He was already pushing and shoving me around when we were living together, but the real abuse happened after we were pronounced husband and wife, my hellish nightmare was just beginning.

We moved out of our apartment and moved in with his psychotic family. I also lost my great job *tears* because of a vindictive, jealous old woman at work, but that's another story and really has nothing to do with what I am saying now.

His mother was a religious freak/fanatic who kept her kids home and did not homeschool, so they were not the brightest people. She and my husband, ick...gag me...knew the bible like no one I knew. I was told that I had demons all around me and I needed Jesus to get rid of them, they scared me so much about God! They used the bible as a weapon to keep me in line. By this time, my monster was already beating and stripping all that was Leticia away. I lived in constant fear of him and his mother.

In this house, she ruled. She worked as a housekeeper and took her young daughter to help and I might add she was very overweight and the girl in pretty good shape. And at home, she would set out our breakfast bowls, monster's, mine and her two younger sons. We were only allowed one bowl of cereal a day and no seconds. Same with lunches and dinners. I lost a lot of weight and my eyes got dark and sunken. I looked like a skeleton I was so thin. This went on until the monster got tired of living there and we moved out. Which pleased his mother, she was tired of feeding and taking care of us. I have never been so happy to leave a place.

So, we moved out and the beatings got worse. Then he decided that I shouldn't work and was not allowed to check the mail, use a pay phone (we didn't have a phone) and was never to go outside unless he was with me or I was doing laundry. He became enraged when my family came over or when I went to their home, and I paid for it the minute they left or when I got home. When we were out in public I was told that I had to keep my head down and NOT look at men!

Well, one day, and I remember this quite vividly we were walking down the street and I just happened to glance up when I heard some hammering and noise, there were construction workers working on a building, and without thinking about it I looked up. Big mistake! I was immediately back-handed. This happened at the stores and even one time at the mall, when I happened to run into my old best-friend from high school, who happened to be guy. Whew! Bad memories.

At this time my poor mother was frantic for my safety and was dreading the day she was going to get a call that her daughter was dead, I truly believe it was her prayers that kept me alive. The thing about him was he made sure he punched me, kicked me etc. were in places that people couldn't see. Always, on my chest, legs back and arms, sometimes I had to wear long sleeves to hide his fingerprints.

I remember one time he dragged me into our closet, and at that time, I was still afraid of the dark. He threw me on the floor sat right next to me on my left-side and then I felt the cold blade of a knife at my throat. *DEEP BREATH* He then asked me in a very calm voice, "Tell me Letty, how does it feel to know you are going to die?" I began to whimper and that went on for about an hour, then just like that he pulled me out of the closet and acted like nothing happened. I think I may have made some kind of noise because our neighbors called the police and they knocked on the door. As I opened the door he stood right behind me while the policeman asked me if "everything was okay." They got a call from a neighbor saying that they heard screaming. What could I say? He was standing right behind me, so I lied and said, "everything was just fine." And they left. Every fiber in me wanted to run to them and never look back. Oh Gosh! I wanted help!

There is one memory and for the life of me I cannot recall the outcome. I remember fighting with him and running out of the appartment trying to escape him and I ran as fast as I could and of course, he ran after me and caught me. He noticed people were watching us and he gently picked me up in his arms telling me sweetly, "It's okay, it's going to be okay." And then we went inside, all I can remember is seeing our white door shut behind us and that's it. I don't know what happened to me. I tried in vain to recall what happened to me. But the white door is all I see and nothing more, no memory whatsoever, strange.

Here is the last part of my testimony in this marriage and the greatest miracle, so far in my life, that I knew God was with me and loved me. Again the monster and I were fighting because like an idiot I wrote my 3rd boyfriend and I told him I still cared about him and tried to beat the monster to the mail box, but for some reason he was home that day and got the mail first. Anyhow, he wrote back to me and told me he still "cared about me too."

Well, monster, told me that he was going to go and call his mother and that they both were going to "take care of me." When he left to make the call I ran in panic and terrified to the bathroom and took a whole bottle of pills, cannot recall what they were, I couldn't live this life anymore and did not want to keep making my family suffer because of my own stupidity. When I realized what I had just done fear gripped me, I didn't want to die!! I ran into the closet and fell on my knees and begged God to save me! I could feel my body shutting down, and I knew without a doubt I was dying. The rest of the details are rather fuzzy, all I remember is that I was on a stretcher and saw my husband being restrained by the police as I was being loaded onto the ambulance screaming my name. The doors closed and then the EMT (female) who was hooking me up to an IV began to lecture me about suicide being illegal and blah blah blah....if she knew the hell I went through she wouldn't have been so cold and callous. That was the last time I ever saw or spoke to that man again. Hallelujah!

At the hospital a miracle happened. I was placed in a suicide watch in the psychiatric section of the hospital and I remember my beautiful mother being there with me, praying. It was too late to pump my stomach and was given something else to get the drugs out of my system and then I was left alone. Here is where the miracle happened. I pee'd the drugs out of my system! I know it is embarrassing to say, but I pee'd so much that I filled a bucket, hee....God heard me and saved me!!

I was 19-years-old and was married to that man for a mere 10 months, but the worst months of my life, or so I thought.

Part VI is next and I will be done!! I must warn you it may be the longest post yet.

Thursday, March 6, 2008


I thought I would mention three boyfriends that I had that made somewhat of an impact on my life, before I met my first husband who was a psychopathic monster.

I know that most teenage girls and boys have had a school crush one time or another in high school or junior years, right? Well, I had a major, huge crush on this guy for about two years! I was a freshman or sophmore and he was a senior. It was love at first sight, or so I thought, hee. Anyhoo, he was like the head leader or whatever you call it, in his group, which as you know every high school has their cliques. He was in the group of kids that loved heavymetal, drugs and partying. I became a part of the group my last year in that high school.

Anyhoo, we met at his apartment, he had a small party going on and I came in with a very good friend (female). He noticed me and we talked all night long! Wow! Of course, we kissed and that was it for me. I dumped my boyfriend the next day. Let me tell you fantasizing about a crush and actually living the dream of being with a crush is overrated. He introduced me into a world of coke, crank, crystal, acid, you name it. I smoked dope with him but that was it, no way was I going to do that hard stuff, it scared me, seeing how it affected all of the kids in his apartment, they looked like zombies. Anyhoo, we broke up, because I wouldn't sleep with him. The impact he made was waking me up to the harsh reality of drugs and how it affects you. It is scary close-up and personal. I did not want to wind up like that. Thank God, my eyes were opened before I fell into a deathtrap.

The next boyfriend, was 23 years-old and I was 17 I think. He was a perfect gentlemen and he treated me with such kindness. The only thing was I just didn't have any real romantic feelings for him, I stayed with him because he was 23 and I was a 17-year-old girl in high school and I bragged about it, ya know? I was told that he really loved me and wanted to take care of me etc. I couldn't handle all of that, I was just a kid, and I broke up with him. What was hard is that he was very good friends with my oldest sister and husband, which is how I met him. So I saw him a lot and I began to hate him and having him around all of the time. Well, a few months had passed and I made my peace with him one night and we became friends. A few days later, he was found murdered in his home. His killers were never found. We, me and my family, cleaned up his home, and I remember picking up dried blood from the windowsill in shock. I had someone that loved me but I just couldn't return it. He was the first real man in my life that treated me with love and respect and I just couldn't accept it.

Boyfriend number three, before I met and married a monster. Was my first true love! He was everything I wanted, he was good looking, very kind and loving with me, had his own car, had a job and took me out! We immediately connected and knew we were made for each other. We did however, got stoned a lot, hee. We dated and stayed together faithfully for over a year. Then one day he told me that he and his mother were moving to Ohio, and my heart broke! I cried for the longest time for him. We stayed in touch and one time he flew down to be with me after I had surgery in my mouth and then I never saw him again. I moved to California and we still spoke and then that we gradually quit calling and writing each other. I never forgot him. I think a part of me will always love him, my heart never fully recovered from that loss. I had finally found someone who loved me and accepted me for who I was with no strings attached.

Okay, next post will be where my hellish nightmare began. I thought I had suffered in my teen years, well, it was a walk through a park compared to what was in store for me when I met husband number 1.

Monday, March 3, 2008


Okay, so the teasing went on and on. I need to let you know, that I was very, very immature for an 11-year-old. I was still playing with toys and such and so innocent, you all, I was so innocent. I had no idea what sex was or heard profanity they way it was used with the military kids. I really felt it was important that you knew my mentality when I began to wear make-up etc.

Moving on...

Finally, believe it or not, I found out that I was hanging out with the popular kids!! Apparently, we were the group everyone at the high school wanted to hang out with! And the teasing did stop with all of the kids on the bus! My sister and I had the same friends, and she with some of the older kids on the bus. Remember, we had an hour drive to the military base that had our high school, because the base we lived on very tiny. The highest ranking officer on the base, was I believe, a Lieutenant Colonel. Small base.

Ahh...I keep getting off track.

In a sense, my innocence was yanked completely away from me. I experienced my first kiss, my first boyfriend, and *deep breath*....and hmm..other stuff, I will not divulge that much, hee. I allowed too much with a boy that used me and whom I had a major crush on. It hurt so badly to be used by that particular boy. One thing I must say, yes, I was still a virgin and intended to stay that way, that much I knew.

At this time, my mom had made some wonderful friends that were teaching all of us about God. and I was so ready to embrace that, I didn't fully understand how God was my Father, since I really didn't have one and how could He love me, after all the things I was doing? Yet, I wanted Him in my life. At 11 you just can't quite grasp the magnitude of God's sovereign love. I wish I had, though.

Gosh, I was still having a hard time with being jealous with my sister and I wanted to be her, I thought everyone loved her and liked her more than me. The kids, definitely, made a point of letting me know that my sister was their favorite, I was basically tolerated as the "little sister." And I was still doing things trying to get attention. Idiot.

I was probably 12 now and was experiencing thoughts of suicide. They were my constant companion, thinking how bad everyone would feel when they found me dead. I had this "I'll show you" mentality going on. My poor mom had no idea what was going on with her youngest daughter, she thought I was happy, or so I thought. She was working so hard in a cafeteria that basically we did things on our own, with all of the other kids. The parents were not very restrictive with any of us. Mom tried, though.

Anyhoo, I remember being terrified of my new step-dad. He began to "notice" me and not in a "fatherly" way either. He had a nickname for me, I believe there were others, but this one stuck with me. He called me, "Booby." I hated being alone with him. I did everything in my power to stay away from him and if by chance I was alone with him, I would quite literally run out the door until I knew my mom or my sister were home. I was so positive he was going to rape me or do something horrible to me. That went on the whole time while we were in Germany. Btw, notice how God was with me. I was never truly physically harmed. God gave me wisdom enough to know I was not safe and taught me to run!

Another time and this took many many years to heal from. *deep breath* my sisters best-friend came up to me one day and asked me to follow her to the basement, she wanted to show me something. Thinking nothing of it, I followed. Oh Gosh!! This is hard. When I went down there, there was a black boy, who was at least 15-years-old, waiting for me. (This guy always made me uncomfortable, he was new to the base, but he gave me the creeps.) He immediately grabbed me! And I screamed out to the girl to "HELP ME!" she just stood there watching me as this guy began to attack me. I kept on looking at her for help, but she seemed to enjoy watching this guy hurting me.

By the GRACE OF GOD another friend just happened to come down and he rescued me! He got the boy off of me and and told me to "RUN!!" And I did. I ran straight to my sister for help and told her what had happened. She immediately ran down and confronted her "friend." At this time a whole group of our "friends" found out and thought it was hilarious. I can't quite recall why they did. I just remember that I turned on my sister for being my protector. I can't believe I was so stupid! It wasn't funny what had happened to me. That boy was going to rape me. And I turned it into to a big joke and hurt my sister in the process. She fought for me and I ridiculed her for it just so I could be part of the stupid crowd. What was I thinking????

Let me clarify one thing, not everything in Germany was bad, I did get to travel and I did make some good friends. I also learned to dance, and I was invited to parties etc. I just couldn't find a way to be happy. Depression is a wretched horrible mental state and it prevents you from seeing the good things in life. My sister and my mother loved me and I never acknowledged it or saw it until years later, when I finally "grew-up."

A lot had happened in my teenage years, that would take forever to share so suffice to say. I, still was desperate for attention and began to dress like a hoochie-momma or provocatively. I had a great body and I knew it. So, what did I do? I dressed to flaunt it. I didn't leave much for imagination. I had my first joint when I was 13, went to my first concert, I got drunk when I think, I think 14 or 15? Beats me. I used to cross the border into Juarez, Mexico and really got wasted.

I was into thrash metal which most of those groups were, in fact, satanic. King Diamond, remember him? He was the lead singer for Merciful Fate, he was a self-proclaimed satanist. I also listened to Slayer and many other satanic groups. Was I an ignoramous or what?

I stayed depressed, hating life, wanting to die. Oh, how I wanted to end my life!! I could almost taste it. I thought of so many ways of how I could do it. But, my mom's fervent prayers of protection is what kept me safe from Satan's clutches. My mom, was a true intercessor.

Well, that's it for now, stay tuned.